


Hero Of War

by Pikkuhiiri



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Demon Dean Winchester, Fallen Castiel, Heaven, Human Castiel, M/M, Post-Episode: s09e23 Do You Believe In Miracles?, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-22
Updated: 2014-05-22
Packaged: 2018-01-26 02:44:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1671758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pikkuhiiri/pseuds/Pikkuhiiri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Metatron was locked away, Castiel is sick of it all. If Dean was dead, than what was his destiny by now? Heaven was saved and he was nearly gone. The last piece of his grace was running out and he still has not figured out if he really want to be the angle he should've been or if he prefer to become the human he would like to be. But in the end, all what matters is true family. In the end it always will be Dean. No matter how hard he has to pay for this desicion..</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hero Of War

**Author's Note:**

> More than 24 hours later and I am still not over the last season finale. I think the next season has a lot of potential for Destiel, even if I still think it will not become canon. But I am pretty sure that Cas is addicted to Dean. So what should a broken man and a fallen angel do with the vessel he still ownes? 
> 
> I am sorry for the mistakes. English is not my language and I have no Beta. I hope you like my idea and leave a Kudos :-) 
> 
> And now enjoy!

It felt like running out of air. And even this was not possible because he usually do not need air. But right now in this moment he was not sure if he would ever need anything again. Not that bad and not that much. All the things he saw in his long life and all the things he was not able to change. Nothing, not even watching human murder and go dark side, felt that worse. This feelings now where all his own fault. He forced the human feelings so hard because he started to be addicted to those feelings. All the rushing and blood pumping things. All the beautiful emotions, overwhelming and a hot stream under human skin. And now it was his fault that the humanity burried him deep under the angle surface.  
Years ago, before he started to rebel and before he gave everything for one human, he never believed that he would known one day how tears could feel.  
He was not even able to imagine how it is to feel sad or to start crying. Maybe it was the better life. Right now everything was better than this. Better than this lonely room up in heaven.

His fingers felt numb after minutes of digging into the armwrists of the chair he never left since Metatron was locked away. Hannah was upset when he told her that he want to be alone for the next hours. Hours here in heaven could be a lifetime. Maybe a lifetime he no longer has, because his grace was nearly gone. That's the reason he felt all this emotions. The pain, the heartache, the knot in his throat, the numb fingertips. He did not know what to do next. All he could do for the moment was starring down on the bloody angle blade on the table.  
He tried so hard every minute now and than not to imagine what's up down on earth. It would kill him piece by piece and if he would take back his grace maybe he would finally kill himself, like he thought about months ago. It would have made everything better and at least this pain would now not linger in his heart, under his skin, in the back of his head.

Maybe Metatron lied, like he lied all the time since he betrayed him before all the angles fell. But what if he spoke the truth? What if Dean was death? What if not Dean was the one who failed everyone? What if HE failed everyone this time and what if it was only his fault that Dean was death. Gone forever? And what was the last thing he said to him? Nothing? He locked him away down in the bunker. Nothing more. Not even a goodbye. Not even a handshake. Nothing. Not just one happy memory. Just a wide, black screen and a heavy heart filled with sad memorys from the past. From up and downs. From purgatory and all the mess before and after. And now he had to face the fact, that Dean should be death. Castiel was not sure if he was able to understand what „death“ really means in that thinking.  
  
He shut his eyes because the burning behind his eyes were to heavy and he was not going to cry. Not now. He was so sick of this human feelings. Of the things the humanity did to him in all the time. He should be down on earth now. Be there for Sam. That's what Dean would've want from him. Right? Watch out for Sammy would he say. With that brave smirk on his lips, even when death is sitting in his neck. And he would promise to take care of his brother, watch over him. But he has no idea how to look Sam in the eyes when he can't see clear enough to face the truth. How can he be there for Sam, when he has no idea to get up from the chair, how to walk or to move or even to live?

The thoughts run wild in his mind. When Dean was death, he was able to find him, right? Because Dean would've been here in heaven. Right? It was not possible that someone like him would end up in hell. But for what? To see how broken the man was? To see how miserable Dean would feel for failing again? And than what? Do some kind of smalltalk to the man he raised from perdition years ago? How to talk to a soul, when this soul means everything to you and you are not able to find the words to say anything? How to do all this when your borrowed grace is gone by that time? And last but not least where to start searching? How to explain Hannah and the others that he is off for now, searching the only thing in this universe who can fix his pain and his lost grace, by pulling him deep down in the warmth of humanity and love? No one would understand. And if he would go back to earth this time, he would never come back, because his strength would fade away and he would be death before even reaching earth. Sam would understand. But Sam is too far away and lost in his sadness. And he was not able to help his last friend. He was useless and too far gone for beeing an angel again.

But there was something else, deep under his skin. If he would be an angel again, he could switch this humanity off. There would be just a silent memory. A mark on his pure soul. Nothing more. He would be fine. Fine like an angel could be. He would just serve heaven and be the leader everyone expected him to be. It was so easy. He just has to take his grace back and puff, everything was just fine. But that's not worth it. He was not ready to forget this all. He was not able to just switch this off and he can't just skip his family away for heaven. Sam was still alive and he needed him now. And Castiel was not ready to forget Dean. Since the first time he laid his hands on him he knew this man was something special. He never would forget how strong that soul was and how hard it fighted to be saved. The pieces of this beautiful human beeing felt warm and familiar under his hands. And piece by piece he fixed him. Since this time he was not the same anymore. Now he was the same broken man like Dean and Sam. That's why he don't belong here anymore. That's why he....

His eyes flung open. This sound was coming out of his mouth and he pressed one backside of his hand of his mouth. He felt the wet traces on his face and the shame crawled under his skin.  
A sobbing angle. He never heard something that funny, but he could not laugh, because it all got stucked in his throat and he swallowed as hard as possible but Castiel knew by now that it was too late. That he was not able to stop the pain filling his lungs and that the wet traces on his face where tears. He never cried before. Maybe when he was Jimmy, but not since he take over this vessel. It was new and it felt right. It felt right for god's sake.  
  
The tears took his clarity and the angle blade started to swim away, with all the blood.  
„I am so sorry Dean, I wish you could hear me by now.“  
He would like to say 'I failed you', 'I will fix this', 'I will watch over Sam', 'I will bring you back, whatever it takes', and he wished he could say that he was the only reason he was still alive. After all Castiel lost, Dean was worth living for. He never told that a creature before. He never thought about it long enough, but it was right. After all this years the only reason Castiel always moved on was Dean. Because there was something about this human. Because there was someting about the man, he put back together.

He can't sit here any longer. He has to do something. But what? He has to go down on earth. He has to look for Sam. Even if that means to stay there for ever, or worser. To die.

The pain was overwhelming when he took the angle blade in his hand. It was like something was pulling him deep under water. It felt like everything and nothing. He was useless as a human. He was useless as an angel. Now, alone and tight up with the humanity and close to death, he was so ready to die. Metatron was locked away, heaven was saved for now, Dean was dead, what was his mission now? He was no leader, he was no man, he was no angel, he was a mess. A mess of feelings and tears, and pain, of lost grace and a heavy weight on his heard. Dean would understand. He would be so damn mad at first, and than he would say 'Man I get it. This life sucks. Really I know. I am sorry that it ended this way. I wish I could changed something for you.'  
This was the end. This was always the end of the road. Not God had planed it for him, it was all his own destiny. He followed his own way, made choices and now he has to pay for it. He took the blade with both hands, closed his eyes, his heart was running so fast, in his his nearly human body. He was so tired, so lost, so lonely, so nothing. And than he took the last move...

„Cas? Are you somewhere out there? Man, I have no idea if this works. I mean usually it did, but now? I messed it up Cas.   
I am something between life and death. I feel so much hate under my skin and so much pain. It feels like dying over and over again. I am so ashamed and full of regret. And now I am sitting in a devils trap and wondering if this is my true form, ya know? You always talked about the true form of all natural beeings. So is this really what I truly am? I wonder what Mum and Dad would think by now. What Bobby would say. Damn' it Cas. I don't know what to do. Sammy is so messed up. He looked at me the whole time like I've been his worst nightmare and I believe I am. I don't know if you get this. I mean, now I'm the bad guy. You should smite me without hesitation. If you could see me now, you would be so mad. Cas, please watch out for Sammy. This thing under my skin, is taken over me. It's going so fast and I can't do anything. I am afraid to hurt my own brother. Please, I know you lost so much just for us, for me. But I beg you this last time, keep an eye on him. Man, I am sorry for all the things which happened to you the last time and I wish I could fix you, but that's it right? My biggest mistake. Thinking that I can fix everybody. And now I have to face the fact that no one can fix me again. I hope you can hear me, that you're still alive. I need you Cas. Please.." 

The blade crushed down on the floor and without hesitation Cas came up on his feet. His head was swirrling around. This was not possible. It was a day dream. It was the human madness, but it felt so real. Dean was praying to him. He has to go down on earth, whatever it takes. This was his only priority. This was what he lives for. This was all he wished for. Dean was alive, he needed him. This was his destiny. Dean was his destiny.

The weakness in his bones made him clear that this was maybe the last time he would ever see heaven again. That he maybe never comes back. But it was worth it. It always was. Something was wrong with Dean. Castiel could feel it in his guts and he will figure it out and he would do whatever it takes to fix everything which was broken by now.

He took one last look around in the room which ones was the office of Metatron. Than he took the angle blade, cleaned it on his trenchcoat and closed his eyes. After all this years, he still always comes when Dean calls. His true destiny was freedom. To do what his heart wants him to do. Even if it means to die. And that's the reason he needs this man so much. Because he told him all of this. He teached him freewill and humanity. The thing he loved the most. Feelings. Pain. Love. Sam and Dean. Maybe he would die on earth, but now he was sure he would not die alone. And at the end of the day he could face the death like never before.  
  
Because if he will die down there, his family would hold him and take care and he would die like a hero, not like a failed man and a fallen angel.


End file.
